Tag Archives: relationships

Relationship Truths – Pt II: It’s Never Just About The Other Person

June 27, 2016 mary Leave a comment

I know. I used to really resist the notion that it’s never just about the other person as well. (Actually, hate is probably the more accurate word! I hated when people said that!) The truth is that relationships take two, and the only person in the relationship you can change is YOU! That means my choices impact the relationship even when the other person has major issues.

We’ve all dealt with that person. The person who is all about him or herself. The person who treats you great as long as you agree with him, but the minute you disagree, the gloves are off and you’re decimated by a barrage of demeaning or belittling language. The person who is happy as can be until a situation arises that she can’t control, and suddenly chaos ensues. The person that lies to you, mistreats you, takes advantage of you, or disregards your feelings…. That is indeed a difficult person with which to be in relationship.

However…. (You knew there was a “but” coming, didn’t you?!?) However, you have responsibility in how you respond to that person. You cannot make them be considerate of you, express empathy toward your hurt feelings, or show respect for you as a unique individual with differing likes and dislikes. But, you do have power in theses circumstances! You have power, and you have responsibility!

So let’s look at a hypothetical situation.

Your husband arrives home from work, tired, cranky, irritable, and spent. He’s angry with you for not preparing dinner, meaning it’s another expensive meal out. He doesn’t think to ask you how your day went. He doesn’t know about the arguments you refereed between your children, or the close call in the neighbor’s pool that could have seriously injured your daughter. He doesn’t know that the homeowner’s insurance rates went way up, the washer flooded the utility room, your best friend’s marriage is falling apart and she spent the afternoon crying on your sofa, and that you’ve had a migraine all day. To make matters worse, this isn’t anything new. He always seems to think only of himself, showing little regard for you or your feelings. So in your mind, this is but another infraction in a long line of infractions where he has shown little or no concern for you and has, instead, “beat you up” with criticism, judgment, and contempt.

Normally you “suck it up” and take it, stuffing your hurt and angry feelings, or you respond in kind, telling him what a jerk he is for not even asking you how your day went. But this time, you make a different choice. This time, you have spent some time in prayer before he arrived home. You cast your burdens on God, your frustrations, your fears, your pain, and your sorrow for your friend. You asked God to help you really “see” your husband and to understand that he’s had a hard day too. You’ve committed before God–again–to love, honor, and cherish your husband for better or worse, realizing that today falls into the worse category. You asked God to give you what you need to be the wife your husband needs today, in this instance.

So when your husband walks in the door, instead of being frazzled and used up, you are still weary, but you are buoyed by the Spirit of God. When your husband barks as he comes in the door, upset because dinner isn’t on the stove, you silently hold up your shield of faith and deflect those harsh words and tones, sending them instead to the Throne of God. You take your husband’s briefcase from him, meet him with a tired but sincere smile, and you let him know you’re glad he’s home. You apologize that dinner fell off the schedule today, and suggest that perhaps you make the kids some PB&J’s for dinner, and that the two of you go out for a quiet meal together–using the two-for-one coupon you received in the mail that day.

Your husband has choices about how he responds, and the truth is that he may still vent his frustrations on you. But as before, you can deflect them, realizing that you know a lot about your day that he doesn’t, and even more, God does know and He understands completely. Again, you meet your husband’s frustration with kindness, suggesting he change into more comfortable clothes, wash the dirt of the day off his face, and let him know that you see him, regardless of whether or not he sees you.

Now this isn’t a perfect formula that will work every time. It may work or it may not. But here’s the thing: you won’t know until you try. One of you needs to break the cycle of demanding that your needs be met. One of you needs to take a step toward the other in kindness, understanding, and love. But here’s the other thing: when this kind of response becomes your norm, one of two things is going to happen. Either he will begin to soften and reciprocate, or he won’t. If he does, you’ve won over your husband and improved your marriage. If not, you’ve still done the right thing before God. And that’s no small thing!

God honors those whose walk is blameless. Strive to walk blamelessly in your relationships–not just in your own eyes, but in God’s eyes, depending upon Him to meet your needs and to make a way where there previously wasn’t one. This process isn’t about stuffing your feelings, it’s about taking your feelings to God, turning to Him to meet your needs, and filling up your peace, love, and joy bucket so that you have those things to pour out to the other person. What they do with your kindness is their responsibility, but I will tell you that kindness breeds kindness more often than contempt does. Contempt only breeds contempt. You can count on that!

You can also count on God. When you get out of the way, it makes a way for God to work in that other person’s life.

The Takeaway

So here are some practical tips:

Plan ahead. When you know the end of the day is usually when arguments erupt between you and your husband, plan ahead. Take 10 minutes or whatever time you can carve out, and pray. Relinquish your burdens of the day to God, press into His love and compassion, and ask Him to prepare you to be the spouse you need to be when your husband walks through the door. Pray for your husband that God will use the drive home to minister to his heart, to drain off the stresses of the day, and to give him love and kindness toward you. Pray spiritual protection over your husband, asking that no weapon formed against him would prosper.
Know and rehearse the truth.
- Know that your husband is NOT the enemy! We war against powers and principalities, not against flesh and blood! (Ephesians 6:12)
- You know what kind of bad day you had, but your husband does not. Likewise, you don’t know what stresses he had. Be thoughtful toward him anyway.
- Know that regardless of the circumstances, you chose your husband because you love him; you committed yourself to him (before God) for better or worse; and your responsibility is to be Christ to him. That commitment is between you and God, not you and your husband. Likewise, how he treats you is between him and God, not between him and you! Do what you know to be right, and ask God to do the same work in your husband.
- Know also that the fact that you didn’t make dinner does not make you a bad person, an inadequate person, or a lazy person. Know and accept the truth, and commit to deflecting things that are not true. (Attach yourself to God’s truth; detach from the lies of the enemy.)
Clothe yourself with kindness, compassion, and love for your husband. Instead of looking to have your needs met, strive to be there for him.
Treat him as you want to be treated. Pray that God will soften his heart in the same way.
Entrust the inequities in the relationship to God’s care and justice. God does care for both of you. God is a just and righteous God–meaning there is no wrong in Him. Trust Him with your relationship with your spouse or whomever you may be having difficulties with. Do the right thing. Trust God to do the right thing. Pray for the other person to desire to do the right thing. And leave the results to God.

Our relationship struggles are never just about the other person. We have the Power of One. We have the power of prayer and the power of choice. Never let the enemy convince you the issue is all the other person. Commit to being God’s instrument of love, peace, and kindness to the person you’re in relationship with. Do your part. Trust Him to do His. Let God be God.

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Romans 12:12 (ESV)

No go and make today count!
In His grace,

Mary

Building Great Relationships

Relationship Truths – Part One: The Power of One

June 23, 2016 mary Leave a comment

No matter what kind of relationships you’re engaged in, there are three undeniable truths about YOU:

You were made by God for relationships.
You have a choice in how you think, feel, and respond within your relationships.
You alone are responsible for you—your choices, your actions, your responses to others.

We cannot change others, but we can and **should** take responsibility for our relationships—the good, the bad, and the ugly! Taking responsibility doesn’t mean you’re a horrible failure of a human being. On the contrary, it means you are owning your stuff and taking steps to being the best version of yourself!

Owning your stuff does not let others off the hook for their stuff; it is only about taking responsibility for yourself. However, as we begin to take the focus off the other person and begin looking honestly at ourselves, and as we begin taking back our power over our own hearts, minds, and choices, we can effect change in the relationship. Dr. Gary Smalley (in The DNA of Relationships) calls that “the Power of One.”

God’s Word says it this way:

“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” Romans 12:18 (ESV)

Ask yourself these questions and be honest with yourself in your answers:

Am I only focusing on what others are doing wrong?

Am I owning my own thoughts, feelings, and responses? Or am I justifying them?

As I begin to own my thoughts, feelings, and responses, what do I need to ask forgiveness for?

Knowing that I have the power to change only myself, what can I begin to do differently to improve my relationship(s)?

God, what do You want me to see and take ownership of?

“But from there you will seek the Lord your God and you will find him, if you search after him with all your heart and with all your soul.” Deuteronomy 4:29 (ESV)

Today is all you have. Make today count!
In the grip of His grace,

Mary

From Mary's Desk

Mary Comm: EXPOSED! (My philosophy of LIFE )

June 15, 2016 mary Leave a comment

So, have I ever told you why there’s a tree in my logo?

Well, first, it’s because I LOVE TREES! They represent LIFE to me. Trees have ROOTS that dig down deep… (Yes, I’ve been accused of being deep… A deep feeler. A deep thinker. I love to go deep!)

Trees have a TRUNK — which is the support system for all those branches and leaves — and it also provides a pathway for all those nutrients from down deep to get to those same leaves and branches.

And yes, then there are the LEAVES and BRANCHES. Branches expand out into a beautiful array of smaller branches, leaves and fruit. They, too, offer support and a nutrient delivery system, enabling those leaves to grow and thrive and dance in the wind and sunshine.

And in case you haven’t noticed, the tree in my logo is an illustration of CONNECTEDNESS which is all about RELATIONSHIP. (Do you see the BODIES so close together that it looks like ONE trunk? Do you sees the ARMS outstretched in joy, being fully alive? Do you see the FACES?) We are all CONNECTED by relationship, and the quality of those connections is reflected in the quality of our lives.

Life is hard, but life lived TOGETHER in deep, meaningful, joyful, satisfying relationship is what makes the hardships bearable.

And finally, a little known secret about me:

One of my very favorite life verses is Jeremiah 17:8, which says:

“They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”

This is my LIFE GOAL, to be this kind of “tree”…. I want to be so grounded in my relationship with God, and healthy in my relationships with myself and others, that NO MATTER WHAT comes, I can live and grow and bear good fruit — a life of RESILIENCE, the kind that culminates in producing a life well lived; one that blesses God and benefits others.

With that said, the BLUE in my logo represents that River of Life that comes from God and flows through me to others. (See, I told you I am deep!) 😉 (Plus, this is my favorite color!)

So, here’s my question for you:

If there was one thing that represented YOU, what would it be?

(Come on, go deep with me! Dive in, the water’s fine!) 😀

All right. I’m done for now…. This tree’s gotta leave!

(Yes, I know what a bad pun that was, LOL!)

Now go and Make Today Count!

Mary 🙂

Leading Well

2 Qualities of a Great Leader

May 20, 2015 mary Leave a comment

A Great Leader… is Both Confident and Humble

Being a leader brings an entire litany of stresses, challenges, and responsibilities that those who have never been in leadership are unaware of. As a business owner, manager, or boss, the reality of your impact upon the lives of those around you is ever present. If the business fails, these people will be out of jobs, which will affect their families. That alone is a tremendous responsibility.

If the leader leads with a “let’s be buddies” mentality, the likelihood is that someone in the organization is going to take advantage of that, which will most likely hurt others in the process. These types of leaders are vulnerable to the manipulation and dishonesty of the unscrupulous employee. At a minimum, such a buddy attitude can diminish respect for that leader. On the other hand, leaders who rule with an iron fist communicate that the only thing they care about is the bottom line—which also causes a host of problems within the organization, not the least of which is decreased motivation, employee dissatisfaction, and yes, a lack of respect for that leader. Thus leading others, whether in business or ministry, for fun or for profit, requires a delicate balance of humanity (compassion, relationship, respect, genuine concern for the individual, etc.) and business mindedness (concern for the health and profitability of the business or organization), a balance that is difficult to find and challenging to maintain.

When it comes to this type of balanced leadership, a great leader knows herself well enough to be familiar with both her strengths and her weaknesses in these areas and beyond. She is confident in her ability to lead, while humble enough to realize that good leaders continue learning great leadership skills. As a Christian, she will be confident in the assignment she has been given at this place, at this time, and for such a time as this (Esther 4:14b). And she will know that when God calls us to a certain task, He equips us for it. As the saying goes, “God doesn’t call the equipped, He equips the called.”

At the same time, she also knows her shortcomings, and when she blows it, she owns up to her mistake. She does not deny her shortcomings, cover up her failures, make excuses, or blame others when she makes a mistake. She knows that every failure provides a valuable learning experience. And she follows that humility with the determination to get back up and try again, with the intention of doing it better next time. Though she falls down seven times, she gets up eight! [Proverbs 24:16] And she is stronger, wiser, and better equipped as she does so. Having this perspective also makes her more gracious and understanding toward others when they make mistakes.

It is this combination of confident dependence on Christ and humility that makes her the kind of leader that others respect and even want to emulate. This leader will inspire those around her with her kindness, her confidence, and her willingness to take responsibility for her failures, as well as the honest mistakes of those under her leadership. This grace-full leader will be a great leader in the lives of those around her and she will be an asset to any organization.

Have you experienced any of these scenarios? Do you have questions about anything in this article? If so, comment below. We all grow when we ask and when we share.

Make today count!
Mary

Joy-Based Life